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What happens when you spend a dollar at Oznium

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Phil
Owner, Oznium.com

Joined: Feb 11 2003
Posts: 7727


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:05 pm

Yesterday I went to a bakery in town to get a snack. I was reading a flier posted on the wall which pleaded with us to keep money circulating in the local community rather than spending it online or in larger cities. It said, when you buy a shirt, it pays a sales person, who pays his plumber, who buys groceries, blah blah.

I think this is great and all, but people also need to think about the larger, global economy. Think Oznium!

###

When you spend a dollar at Oznium, you get a lot more than a few LEDs. Your dollar helps support Max, who very much needs the money. It supports Jason and Ivan and Phil and Eiji, allowing each of these hard-working regular guys to trick-out their cars which further pumps the economy by forcing jealous onlookers to spend some green on their own rides which ultimately keeps our local cops busy (nobody wants bored cops hanging around). And perhaps most importantly, your money can be used to pay the engineer who will implement Phil's next idea for a new product that gives you another opportunity to spend your next dollar.

From the greedy landlord who rents space to Oznium to the waitress at the greasy burger joint down the road, your dollar keeps the wheels of commerce turning in Oznium's local community. But it doesn't stop there. With the rent money she collects, the landlord can afford to bribe the local building inspector to approve the sub-standard wiring she installed when she hired some illegal aliens instead of the over-priced union electricians. The inspector can buy Christmas presents for his children and take his wife to dinner. With your dollar, the illegal aliens, who are probably just simple, honest, hard-working folks seeking a better life in this great country of ours, are able to scratch out a living for themselves and their 9 children, as well as send cash home to their native Mexico.

And what about that waitress at the burger place? Feeling flush, Phil can afford to leave your entire dollar as a tip. A dollar here and a dollar there, and before you know it our waitress will pay off her student loans, and be able to afford some decent schooling for her 4-year old son, which will ultimately make him a better person and a more productive member of society. No doubt you've noticed that Phil spent the same dollar twice: once to tip the waitress and once to pay the landlord, not to mention the fact that he used it to pay the entire Oznium staff AND design a cool new product that will leave you no choice but to spend more of your hard-earned money. This brings up another interesting point about your money, namely the fact that if everyone spends just slightly more than they have, then ultimately we're all better off. But I digress. And what about the cash paid to our Mexican worker friends?

Some of that cash, in fact most of it, travels south of the border, where it provides needed funds for the rural poor to pay protection money to the drug lords who control the corrupted government. Although they are just simple farmers, often using the same primitive tools used by their Mayan ancestors 1,000 years ago, these hearty agrarians actually represent one of the most pivotal economic links between our highly leveraged, modern financial system and the bedrock of that system, which is the raw land and labor that toils upon it. Unaware of their unique position in global trade, these simple folks will split your dollar thus: 20 cents for hand tools and clay pots. The other 80 cents goes to Alfonso, who makes sure no one gets hurt. Alfonso of course is not his real name, but the DEA already knows that. He works for Mr. B (no one knows his real name), who was actually educated at the Wharton School of Business with dual degrees in Finance and Philosophy, and now lives in a Very Nice villa in Ecuador, but keeps most of his money in a bank in the Dominican Republic. Coincidentally, that Dominican bank happens to invest about a third of its money into the Student Loan Fund, which is granted tax-favored status by the IRS and is the same fund that helped put our waitress friend through school. The other two thirds of their money is deposited in a Swiss Bank, where it is invested in expensive art, rare jewels, and occasionally cutting edge technology. One of these technology projects is an advanced truck-sized scanning machine used by U.S. Immigration and Customs to prevent drug smuggling. The other is a high-tech chemical process that stabilizes complex molecules used in the pharmaceutical industry. This same chemical process also somehow finds its way into the illegal drug trade, where it can make compounds such as cocaine completely undetectable by even the most trained dogs and, coincidentally undetectable by the truck-sized scanning machine. The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways.

But getting back to Mr. B and the whereabouts of your dollar, let's track Mr. B's expenses. Being wealthy and powerful doesn't come cheap, and Mr. B must spend plenty of pesos to keep up appearances. His single largest expense is the direct control of at least 18 high-ranking Mexican government officials. He must also pay a whole range of local cops and politicians, and if he is to be respected by his peers must have at least a partial ownership of a U.S. congressman. And we can assure you that almost all of the Mexican officials who consider Mr. B one of their good customers are plenty anxious to invest (launder) their money (formerly your money). Not really having any idea of exactly how to do this, they typically invest in wildcat oil operations sponsored by the Mexican government.

And this is where it gets interesting. Much in the same way that you install mods on your car and thus force others around you to install mods on their cars, the investment of your dollar by the Mexican government into new oil fields forces the governments of Venezuela and Indonesia and Norway to invest in their oil fields. This may ultimately aid the communist regimes of Cuba and Viet Nam, but it will also keep a lid on gas prices, so all-in-all it's not a bad deal.

Of course most of the oil ends up in China, where it's used it to operate their hundreds of thousands of factories that employ hundreds of millions of communist workers who make, among other things, the LEDs that you just installed in your cup holder. They'll also make that secret new product that Phil designed with your money and will launch next February. Sadly these factories make lots of pollution, but even that nasty blemish has a bright side when you consider all of the marketing revenue from ad firms who help Fortune 500 companies put a positive spin on all of the things they are doing to fight global warming, not to mention the $200 million that Al Gore made from his movie.

As you may have guessed by now, your dollar doesn't stop in China. Some of those Chinese factories are actually owned by the Saudi Royal Family, much of whose money is managed by some very old British and Swiss banks. These old European banks typically securitize their investments into complex financial instruments such as Swaps and Reverse-Swaps and Double-Declining Reverse Swaps. Of the 12 people in the world who understand these sorts of things, 9 live in Zurich and are direct descendants from the legendary gnomes of medieval commercial society that financed the first round of exploratory voyages by Columbus and Vespucci and Ponce de Leon. Two live in London where they drink tea and meet with important people all day, and one was born in Duluth and never went to college. He got his start as a small-time real estate hustler before he became a modern gnome, and still recalls his first apartment building in Boulder Colorado where he hired Max for $4/hour to paint the building, which of course was years before Max became the head honcho of the Oznium warehouse. Today he lives in Costa Rica where he manages money for the old European banks who manage money for the Saudi sheiks who own Chinese factories which buy oil from Mexico which funds its drilling operations from corrupt government officials who receive payment from illegal drug protection operators who get paid by poor farmers who are supported by family now living illegally in the U.S. who are hired by greedy employers who pay cash that they get from Oznium who uses your money to pay an engineer to design new products that you MUST have. And so you, our valued customer are actually the foundation of the entire global economy and the engine of your own material lust. Thank you and Merry Christmas.





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Joined: Jul 01 2003
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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:28 pm

Thanks for the easy to read chart Phil. It really brings the situation into perspective. But tell me, how does my dollar get back to me?
Tim

Joined: Nov 16 2003
Posts: 10801
Location: Kalamazoo, MI


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:50 pm

I don't want my dollar going to no oil baron or some illegal. That's for damn sure.
mx107marlin

Joined: Aug 12 2007
Posts: 3095
Location: Fairborn, OH


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 7:08 pm

That's really cool.... Although I think you have way too much time Phil.... Thanks for the good read though. I think I'll print this out and show it to a few people.
Tim wrote:
I don't want my dollar going to no oil baron or some illegal. That's for damn sure.

icon_rolleyes.gif

If that's the case I think that, based on Phil's diagram up there, you shouldn't spend your money at all... Which would really mean that you end up living poor and homeless....

Not flaming you or anything, but IMO that's an ignorant statement.
Tim

Joined: Nov 16 2003
Posts: 10801
Location: Kalamazoo, MI


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 7:10 pm

Yeah, it sucks. What's the world gone to.
mx107marlin

Joined: Aug 12 2007
Posts: 3095
Location: Fairborn, OH


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 7:17 pm

^^ True enough... But as bad as it is, that's what makes the world go 'round.
ImagoX

Joined: Aug 24 2006
Posts: 2124
Location: Columbus, Ohio


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 8:09 pm

Aparantly, Phil doesn't have enough to do... icon_razz.gif biglaugh.gif
Losing quickly

Joined: Apr 26 2005
Posts: 5708
Location: SC


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 9:12 pm

So, whats the secret product that comes out in February?
alkatmsu

Joined: Nov 08 2005
Posts: 1560
Location: Kentucky


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 10:44 pm

wtf
Acey

Joined: Sep 01 2007
Posts: 117
Location: Calgary


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 11:29 pm

Happy to know that because I decided to semi-rice out my Cavalier I've helped so many people. icon_lol.gif icon_lol.gif
Moss

Joined: Mar 23 2004
Posts: 6436


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Post Mon Dec 24, 2007 11:58 pm

Buy Union.
02BlueStang

Joined: Dec 13 2004
Posts: 4757


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 12:37 am

ImagoX wrote:
Aparantly, Phil doesn't have enough to do... icon_razz.gif biglaugh.gif


He's too busy rolling around in the thousands of dollars we give him every year icon_razz.gif icon_lol.gif

This is proof...oznium is the global economy...without Phil...we would all live in caves icon_lol.gif
pOrk

Joined: Jan 03 2004
Posts: 8392
Location: Milwaukee Wi


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 12:58 am

Very Unprofessional.
Brandon

Joined: Jun 04 2003
Posts: 4196
Location: St. Louis, MO


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 5:53 am

HAHAH. I was laughing hard, and then I saw the amazing diagram! Phil must not be getting enough dollars if he has all of this time on his hands icon_biggrin.gif
mccook8

Joined: Jun 01 2004
Posts: 744


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 10:10 am

You forgot to mention the 40 cents or so that go to U.S. federal, state and local taxes......
banned from SG

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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 5:02 pm

To help pay people like me.
Tdawgthegreatest

Joined: Jul 22 2007
Posts: 5097
Location: Florence, Oregon


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 5:18 pm

*tear* Touching....I hope that waitress doesn't get hooked on meth with that $1 dollar tip. *tear*
kornholio788

Joined: May 02 2005
Posts: 9751
Location: Tosa, WI


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 5:20 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH This is awsome phil. But you have WAAAYYY too much time on your hands lolz. But I love it. Very funny. And shows your sence of humor. I love it.
stasis-

Joined: Jun 05 2004
Posts: 4517
Location: Texas!


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 8:54 pm

pOrk wrote:
Very Unprofessional.



x2

way to look like a jerk ;/
Ryu

Joined: Dec 31 2005
Posts: 2479


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Post Tue Dec 25, 2007 9:23 pm

You all should be very proud of yourselves, helping out the community. Gold stars for everybody!
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